The Storm

There has not been an easy start to 2009 for me. I am struggling in so many ways, and there are days where I feel like I am letting the fear consume me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what life might be like should my other eye hemorrhage. Just a sometimes all-consuming fear that I cannot explain. My eye continues to remain the same, so I just wait and wonder. And I pray. I pray a lot. I pray for the Lord's will - whatever that might be. It is so hard. 

What I want to pray for is a restoration of sight. A FAST restoration of sight. An end to all of this - the injections, the appointments, the patching, the double vision, all of it. But, then I have to call for an end to the pity party. Then I remind myself that my God IS bigger than this. He CAN heal my sight. He CAN put an end to it. Right this second if He wanted to. But He has not done that. He is using this situation. Using it to teach me something. Or to teach someone else something. Or using it to bring someone closer to Him. Perhaps that someone is me. Perhaps it is someone else. I cannot call the shots.  I have no control here. And, unfortunately, that is where I seem to be letting my fear get in the way of my faith. I let my fear try to nudge its way in between myself and my Healer. My Redeemer. My Savior. THE Great Physician. 

Casting Crowns sings a song called "Praise You in This Storm". It is #4 on the playlist on the right side of this page. I have had so many times recently where I find myself humming or singing this song to myself. It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning as I listened to it and really paid attention to it. He has been trying to make me understand and I was just so stubborn. This is what I am not doing. I am not praising Him. I am questioning Him. I am asking why. Why me? Why now? Why my vision? Why? Why? Why? I am ashamed to even write it out. I realize that it is a human reaction, but it saddens me to look back on these past few weeks. I did NOT keep the idea of my God being BIGGER than anything in the front of my mind.

I let my worldly view creep in and take over. My vanity - how many people will laugh at the patch or crack a joke about it? My past - how many times are these things going to happen to ME? Doesn't God realize I have had my fill already? My insecurity - why shouldn't this happen to me? Don't I deserve it in some way? My selfishness - this is NOT THAT BAD in the big scheme of things - it is not cancer, not a death sentence, not the loss of something so dear to me that I think I will never be the same again. 

It is nothing more than a storm. A storm that I will get through. A storm that will eventually subside. A storm that HE will carry me through. I am not alone. And I am going to let the praises flow from my mouth at every turn. That may be what He was trying to teach me all along. 

"Praise You in This Storm" - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

And You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth